婚恋网站冲击印度的包办婚姻传统

NEW DELHI — For thousands of years, fathers in India have arranged the marriages of their children, and Garima Pant — like an estimated 95 percent of her millennial peers — was intent on following this most Indian of traditions.

新德里——几千年来，印度的父亲们一直替子女包办婚姻，千禧一代加里马·潘特(Garima Pant)本来也打算遵循这项最具印度特色的传统。据估算，她95%的同代人都是这样的。

Her father found a well-educated man in her caste from a marriage website that features profiles of potential mates and presented his choice to her. And that was when her rebellion began.

她父亲在一个发布速配对象信息的婚恋网站上找到了一个跟她同一种姓、受过良好教育的男人，然后把他挑中的人选给女儿看。她的反抗由此开始。

“I don’t think so,” responded Ms. Pant, a 27-year-old special education teacher, after seeing a picture of a man with streaks of color in his hair. So her father picked another profile. “Are you kidding?” And another. “Ugh.” And dozens more.

27岁的潘特是一名特殊教育教师。她看到照片上的男人有几缕挑染头发后说，“我不喜欢。”于是她父亲又挑了一个。“您在开玩笑吧？”再换一个。“呃。”后来又挑了几十个。

When a profile of a man who intrigued her finally appeared, Ms. Pant broke with tradition yet again, finding the man’s cellphone number and secretly texting him.

当吸引她的男人的档案最终出现时，潘特再次打破传统，找到这个男人的手机号，偷偷给他发短信。

Her boldness made the match. By the time the fathers discovered that their families were of the same gotra, or subcaste, generally making marriage taboo, their children had texted and emailed enough that they were hooked. Months later, the couple exchanged vows with their fathers’ grudging blessings. Theirs was one of a growing number of “semi-arranged” marriages in which technology has played matchmaker, helping whittle away at an ancient tradition, but with a particularly Indian twist.

她的大胆成就了这段姻缘。等双方父亲发现两家属于通常禁止通婚的同一个次种姓时，两人通过发短信、写邮件已经有了感情。几个月后，在两家父亲勉强的祝福下，他们结婚了。如今，印度出现越来越多这样的“半包办”婚姻，网络技术扮演媒人角色，帮助削弱古老的传统，不过带着浓重的印度特色。

In a society where marriage is largely still a compact between families, most parents, especially fathers, are in charge of the search for a mate, including by scouring the now ubiquitous marriage websites for acceptable candidates. But a growing number, especially in India’s cities, now allow their children veto power. Even siblings have begun weighing in; Ms. Pant’s younger brother became an early booster of the man she would eventually marry after seeing his profile photo with a black Labrador retriever.

在印度社会，婚姻在很大程度上仍是两个家庭之间的契约，大多数父母，尤其是父亲，负责为子女寻找配偶，包括在如今无所不在的婚恋网站上寻找合适的候选人。不过，如今越来越多的父亲允许子女行使否决权，尤其是在印度的城市里。甚至连兄弟姐妹也开始参与进来：潘特的弟弟在看完她最终结婚对象的档案照片（他和一只黑色拉布拉多寻回犬的合影）后，成为他最早的支持者。

Human rights activists have welcomed the evolution as a significant change in the status of women worldwide and are hoping even poor, rural families begin to allow marriages based on choice.

人权活动分子欢迎这种进步，认为它反映出全球女性地位的重大提高。他们希望连贫穷的农村家庭也能开始允许子女参与婚姻选择。

Each year, they note, roughly eight million mostly teenage brides marry men chosen entirely by their parents, with many meeting their grooms for the first time on their wedding day. Refusals can be met with violence and, sometimes, murder. In one case last November, a 21-year-old New Delhi college student was strangled by her parents for marrying against their wishes.

他们指出，每年约有800万新娘嫁给了完全由父母选择的男人，其中大多是十几岁的少女，其中很多新娘直到结婚当天才初次见到新郎。如果她们拒绝，可能会遭受暴力，甚至丢掉性命。去年11月，新德里一名21岁的女大学生因违背父母意愿结婚而被父母勒死。

The shift away from fully arranged marriages is being driven in good part by simple market dynamics among Indians who have long seen marriage as a guarantor of social status and economic security.

人们之所以不再遵循完全的包办婚姻，很大程度上是单纯受到市场驱动，因为印度人长期以来一直把婚姻视为社会地位和经济安全的保障。

For centuries, fathers sought matches among their social connections, often with the help of local matchmakers who carried résumés door to door. But village-based kinship networks are fading as more families move to cities, and highly educated women often cannot find men of equal standing in those circles. Under such strains, families have sought larger networks, increasingly through matchmaking sites.

几个世纪以来，父亲们在自己的社交圈中寻找合适的人选，经常借助当地媒人的帮助，他们挨家挨户送简历。但是，随着越来越多的家庭搬到城市里，以村庄为基础的亲戚网正在衰落，高学历女性往往在这些圈子里找不到同等条件的男性。在这样的压力下，父亲们开始搜索更大的网络，越来越多地依靠婚恋网站。

The websites — India now has more than 1,500 — nationalize the pool of prospective spouses, giving parents thousands more choices while still allowing them to adhere to longstanding restrictions regarding caste and religion. (Candidates who fail to identify their caste get far fewer responses, matchmakers and marriage brokers say.)

印度现在有1500多个婚恋网站，它们把潜在婚配对象的范围扩大到了全国，让父母们多了上万个选择，同时仍能遵循长期以来的种姓和宗教限制（媒人和婚恋顾问说，没有说明种姓的候选者得到的回应要少得多）。

The system works, analysts say, because India’s young people remain exceptionally open to their parents’ input on mates.

分析人士称，这种方式之所以可行是因为印度年轻人仍对父母参与选择配偶保持特别开放的态度。

“Intergenerational relationships in India aren’t hostile. Our teenagers don’t have angst. They don’t rebel or misbehave with their parents,” said Madhu Kishwar, a prominent feminist author and a professor at the Center for the Study of Developing Societies in Delhi. “And the reason marriages in India are more stable than those in the West is because families are actively involved.”

“在印度，父母与子女之间没有敌意。我们国家的青少年没有忧虑。他们不会违抗父母，或对父母不敬，”著名女权主义作家、德里发展中社会研究中心(Center for the Study of Developing Societies)教授马杜·基什沃(Madhu Kishwar)说，“印度的婚姻之所以比西方社会的婚姻更稳定，是因为双方家庭都积极参与。”

Still, by allowing the Internet to nudge its way into the marriage equation, parents are increasingly surrendering control. On , which says it helps nearly 50,000 people in India get married each month, 82 percent of male profiles are posted by the prospective grooms rather than by their parents, up from 60 percent five years ago, said Murugavel Janakiraman, the site’s founder and chief executive. Among women, the share of self-postings is at 56 percent, up from 30 percent five years ago.

不过，父母们开始允许互联网在婚配选择中发挥作用，逐渐放松对子女婚姻的控制。婚恋网站自称，每月帮助近五万印度人找到结婚对象。网站创始人、首席执行官穆鲁加韦尔·贾纳基拉曼(Murugavel Janakiraman)称，82%的男性简历不是父母发布的，而是求偶男性本人发布的，五年前这个比例是60%。自己发布简历的女性占56%，五年前是30%。

“Twenty years ago, parents chose the matches,” Mr. Janakiraman said of those who have embraced technology in the marriage hunt. “Now parents are largely playing supporting roles, and the brides and grooms are in the driver’s seat.”

“20年前，父母为子女选择配偶，”贾纳基拉曼提到那些运用网络技术寻找配偶的人时说，“如今，父母们大多当配角，新娘新郎唱主角。”

But even as social mores shift, relatively few young Indians, including those who demand more of a say in their marriages, are straying too far from tradition. Dating — or at least openly dating with parents’ consent — is still relatively rare. And many of those who choose semi-arranged marriages say that romantic love, the head-spinning Bollywood kind, is not their goal. Compatibility is, as is a sense of control over one’s destiny.

不过，尽管印度的社会习俗在改变，但是远远偏离传统的年轻人仍相当少，那些要求对自己的婚姻拥有更多发言权的人也不例外。约会——哪怕是经父母同意公开约会——仍然非常少见。很多选择半包办婚姻的人说，宝莱坞电影里那种让人目眩神迷的浪漫爱情不是他们追求的目标。他们追求的是和睦，以及能掌控自己命运的感觉。

“I wouldn’t say that I’m head-over-heels madly in love with my husband,” said Megha Sehgal, a flight attendant. “But he gives me a lot of comfort, and I see a friend in him.”

“我不能说，我狂热地爱上了我的丈夫，”空乘员梅卡·塞加尔(Megha Sehgal)说，“但他给了我很多安慰，我把他当朋友。”

The percentage of semi-arranged marriages has grown to an estimated quarter of all marriages in India, according to a survey, while just about 5 percent of matches are considered “love marriages,” in which couples unite with little parental consent. The survey was conducted by the International Institute for Population Sciences and the Population Council.

国际人口科学研究会(International Institute for Population Sciences)和人口理事会(Population Council)的一项调查发现，半包办婚姻在印度婚姻中的比例估计已增长至四分之一，而只有约5%的结合被认为是“爱情婚姻”，即几乎没有经过父母首肯的婚姻。

Indeed, many families involved in both old and new forms of arranged marriages see falling in love before marriage as threatening. Those with money sometimes hire private investigators to ensure that a prospective spouse does not have any ill intentions or has not already fallen in love then broken off that relationship in favor of an approved match.

实际上，很多经历过旧式和新式包办婚姻的家庭把婚前恋爱视为一种威胁。有钱人有时会雇佣私人侦探去调查未来的配偶是否存在不良企图，或者之前是否有过恋爱史，分手后才选择父母包办的婚姻。

“Fifteen years ago, most of my investigations revolved around checking out the family,” said Sanjay Singh, a private detective in Delhi. “Now they’re mostly concerned with whether the other person is already involved with someone else.”

“15年前，我的调查主要围绕家庭背景进行，”德里私家侦探桑贾伊·辛格(Sanjay Singh)说，“如今，他们主要担心对方是否和其他人有过恋情。”

For poor, rural women, the notion of even semi-arranged marriage is still mainly out of reach — a fact that human rights activists say leaves girls especially vulnerable.

对贫穷的农村姑娘来说，甚至连半包办婚姻也显得遥不可及。人权活动分子认为，这种情况让女孩们处于特别不利的地位。

“Marriage is the single biggest risk to Indian girls,” said Joachim Theis, chief of child protection at Unicef in India, which says that the country has a third of the world’s child brides. “They drop out of school; they lose their freedom; they are under the control of their husbands and mothers-in-law; they lose their social network; and they are more likely to die and are 10 times more likely to be victims of sexual violence than unmarried adolescent girls,” he said.

“婚姻是印度女孩唯一最大的风险，”联合国儿童基金会印度儿童保护机构负责人约阿希姆·泰斯(Joachim Theis)说。该机构称，印度童养媳占全球的三分之一。“她们辍学，失去自由，受丈夫和婆婆控制，失去社会联系，死亡率更高，遭受性暴力的可能性是未婚少女的10倍，”他说。

Many of the deaths are linked to disputes over dowries demanded by the grooms’ families.

很多死亡事件与男方家庭索要嫁妆引发的纠纷有关。

Those urbanized Indians shifting to semi-arranged marriages say the change could not have happened nearly as quickly without the growth of matrimonial websites and the proliferation of cellphones, which have given young Indians a way to converse away from the prying ears of their families.

印度城市里转向半包办婚姻的人说，如果没有婚恋网站的发展和手机的普及，这种变化不会发生得这么快。手机给了印度年轻人一个交流渠道，可以避开家人偷听的耳朵。

As prospective brides and grooms increasingly take a role in their courtships, the marriage websites’ formulas for suggesting possible mates have had to change, said Gourav Rakshit, chief of operations at , the largest such site.

印度最大的婚恋网站的首席运营官古拉夫·拉克什特(Gourav Rakshit)说，准新娘新郎越来越多地参与求偶过程，婚恋网站推荐潜在配偶的方法也必须随之改变。

“We have seen marked shifts in people using compatibility factors for their searches instead of only the more restrictive parameters of the past,” like wealth and caste, Mr. Rakshit said.

拉克什特说，“我们发现了一些显著的变化，人们现在使用匹配性因素搜素，而不是过去那些限制性条件”，比如财富和种姓。

In the end, Garima Pant, whose cellphone became a tool of rebellion, mainly got her way. She insisted on meeting her future husband, Manas Pant, alone before making a decision, a once-rare demand that is now routine in semi-arranged marriages.

把手机用作反抗手段的加里马·潘特最终算是如愿以偿。她坚持要求在做出决定之前，可以单独会见未来的丈夫马纳斯·潘特(Manas Pant)。这种要求一度极为罕见，如今却已经变成半包办婚姻的惯例。

A date was set for Café Turtle in New Delhi’s upscale Khan Market, and Ms. Pant agreed to drive Mr. Pant (whose surname was coincidentally the same as hers).

约会地点定在新德里高档购物中心可汗市场(Khan Market)的海龟咖啡厅(Café Turtle)。加里马·潘特同意开车去接马纳斯·潘特（他们碰巧是同一个姓氏）。

Mistake.

这是个错误。

“I was 20 minutes late picking him up, and he hates it when people are late,” Ms. Pant said.

“我迟到了20分钟才接上他。他最讨厌别人迟到，”加里马·潘特说。

Mr. Pant, 28, a marketing professional for technology companies, had a slightly different take: “Actually, she was 25 minutes late,” he said. “Then she hit a car.” But he was already committed to marrying her, and she was impressed by his reaction.

28岁的马纳斯·潘特是科技公司的市场营销专家，他的说法略有不同。“其实，她迟到了25分钟，”他说，“后来，她还跟别的车蹭上了。”不过，那时候他已决心娶她，他的反应给她留下了深刻印象。

“He said, ‘Well, we’re off to a good start,’” she said. “It was a joke, and I thought, ‘O.K.’ I’m not saying I heard bells or anything, but it was the right thing to say.”

“他说，‘嗯，我们开局不错’，”她说，“他是在开玩笑，当时我心想，‘是不错啊’。我不是说当时听到了命运的钟声什么的，不过他的话很合时宜。”

After a two-hour date, she dropped him off and drove home, where her father, mother and brother were eagerly waiting in the living room.

约会两个小时后，她把他送到地方，然后开车回家。她的父亲、母亲和弟弟正在客厅里急切地等她。

That night, Mr. Pant texted: “I’m telling my father to go ahead. OK?”

那天晚上，马纳斯·潘特发来短信：“我打算告诉爸爸，让他继续推进这件事。好吗？”

It was the equivalent of a man in the West going down on bended knee. The families would still have to meet, and horoscopes would have to be consulted. But in a monumental change, nothing could happen without Ms. Pant’s approval.

这就相当于西方男人单膝下跪求婚。当然，两家人还得见面，还得咨询占星师。不过，一个重要的变化是，如果加里马·潘特不同意，这一切都不会发生。

She texted back, “Yes.”

她回了一条短信：“好。”